ALEX: Just go, go!
Shit!
(GASPING)
ALEX: Oh, shit. Oh shit.
(PANTING)
ALEX: Come on, come on, Sarah, come on.
(PANTING)
This way, this way!
SARAH: Help us! MAN: Wait...
(THUD) (WINCES)
ALEX: Fuck, Sarah...
ALEX: No, no, no, no, wait!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR: Welcome to Moldova.
An affordable gem nestled in the heart of Eastern Europe
where the old meets new in surprising ways.
Meet Becky Westlake, a successful artist and potter.
After 10 years in the hectic Los Angeles craft scene,
she is looking for some Old World inspiration.
BECKY: Running the gallery has been great
but I think it's time for a change.
I wanna slow down,
focus on my life, my relationship.
My name is Goran Potsnik.
I think people know who I am, but okay...
Professional soccer player.
What else do you wanna know?
(CHUCKLES)
BECKY: Goran was cute, athlete, very different
but, um, actually I think that's what turned out
to be the nice part, we're very different.
GORAN: Well, we meet in, uh, in Lisbon in, uh...
In a bar and here we are.
BECKY: A healthy relationship.
NARRATOR: Becky wants a house where she can set up her pottery studio,
with enough room left over to raise a family.
To find a bargain, Becky has enlisted the help
of local real estate broker Vladimir Filat.
Moldova has very complicated laws with taxes,
land titles, religious zoning, and gypsy prohibitions.
Not to worry.
Vladimir is best broker in Moldova.
NARRATOR: And as Vladimir says,
"Only broker in Moldova is best broker in Moldova."
BECKY: Moldova's beautiful.
It's, um, got a sense of history.
And I wanna be a part of that.
NARRATOR: To find a house on Becky's limited budget,
Vladimir directs them to the remote farming hamlet of Pavlovka.
She'd be trading a modern city of 8,000,000 people
for a rustic village of 200.
So rustic that the local legend contends
that there was once a witch-burning here.
But the people are much friendlier now.
(EAST EUROPEAN MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR: A few miles outside of town
is a cottage home right out of Hansel and Gretel.
Becky may like Old World charm,
but does she really know the difference
between rustic and a wreck?
No one has lived here for long time.
It's very remote, very cheap.
Many opportunities for improvement.
Well, for the right price, I don't mind doing the work.
Really? You can't handle this much work.
This must be the worst house in Moldova.
Nobody can fix this.
(CHUCKLES) Come.
Bedroom.
It's small.
I guess families were closer back in the day.
(WATER DRIBBLES)
How 'bout some drinks?
NARRATOR: The interior needs some work,
but the bones of this old house are strong.
(CHUCKLES)
Voila.
BECKY: (CHUCKLES) Oh, this is seriously feral.
I see media room.
What is this, an outhouse?
It is, uh, a bread oven, very traditional.
Oh, God, I could turn this into a kiln for my pottery.
Yes, this is what I thought as well.
This is good for spanking, no?
(CHUCKLES)
(CAT HOWLS) (SCREAMING)
Oh, what was that?
It's, uh, in Moldova, good luck.
NARRATOR: And there's one last surprise under the master bedroom.
A cellar with hidden potential.
This used to be wine cellar originally,
but I thought maybe, uh, you want to use
as pottery studio.
Oh, my, I could entertain down here.
What is this?
It's, uh, a pit for, uh, stomping grapes.
For making wine.
Hot tub! Bow chicka bow wow.
Is that... What is that, a painting?
VLADIMIR: Perhaps, artist lived here before.
Much like yourself.
I like it. I like it all.
You serious?
NARRATOR: Becky's clearly taken on a big challenge,
but this artist promises renovation magic.
After the break, we return to Pavlovka six months later
to see the transformation.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
SARAH: What? No!
She actually bought that place?
This house is a literal nightmare.
What could she have possibly done with it in six months?
GREG: That's what we're here to find out.
I bet you any money she hasn't done a goddamn thing.
It happens, it happens all the time.
(HORN BLARING) Fuck off!
There was this chick in Portugal, this blonde.
We went back six months later.
You know, she bought one of these wrecks.
We go back there
and she has literally not fixed up
one single thing.
SARAH: No way! It was a complete disaster.
She'd not changed one thing about the place in six months.
GREG: It was horrible.
So that made for a really spectacular episode reveal,
I can tell you.
That being said, very nice, uh, bikini pics on Facebook.
SARAH: What? Very nice.
Wait, are you Facebook friends with the buyers? (GREG LAUGHING)
Uh, it sometimes happens, sometimes happens.
Only the chicks, however.
GREG: How long does it usually take for them to unfriend you?
Yeah, that's a very good question.
How 'bout you unfriend this, dick?
GREG: Whatever.
Alex, this is a $40,000 camera, man, come on.
ALEX: Oh, my God, I'm sure it's fine.
GREG: I swear to God, it was like,
Sarah, daggers come shootin' out of her eyes.
What? Kate seemed nice.
(LAUGHS) "She seemed nice." SARAH: Yes!
Have you actually met this woman? SARAH: Yes.
My Uncle Wallace introduced me to her like three years ago.
Okay, see, this is fascinating.
Speaking of nepotism, actually,
and on behalf of those who actually earned their jobs.
What we were wondering was... GREG: Not cool, man.
Out of curiosity, what the starting salary
for the boss's niece is.
GREG: Alex! What? Dude.
Be cool, please, all right?
Don't go all special forces on me.
We're not in Afghanistan, man.
SARAH: Afghanistan... Greg, did you fight in Afghanistan?
Uh, no, the only thing that man shot in Afghanistan
was the news.
What?
Yeah, okay, I'm goin' on a Doina run.
What was that about? GREG: Nothing, I just, uh...
I was an embedded cameraman in Afghanistan.
It's boring, I just don't wanna talk about it.
Look at this, unbelievable.
Oh, my gosh. GREG: What?
Okay, it's fine. There's a big bug. (GREG CHUCKLES)
It's kind of cute, it's fine.
This seems dramatically unsafe.
GREG: Right? Where's, like, Ralph Nader when you need him?
Who?
ALEX: They're sold out of Doina.
What kind of hick, backwater gas station sells out of Doina?
What is the point of a gas station
if it does not have Doina is what I wanna know.
How long is it gonna take us to get to Pavlovka?
GREG: You in a hurry or something?
Yeah, doesn't everybody dream of being a production slave?
GREG: Swear to God, Kate is gonna slap that smile
off your face so fast, you have no idea.
Oh, God, how much you wanna bet?
Twenty dollars, she's already pissed that we're late.
She's not gonna be pissed at us. She took an earlier flight.
She can't be mad at us for that.
You keep tellin' yourself that
while you're cryin' yourself to sleep at night.
Hold on, guys, world's biggest pothole.
(CAR RUMBLES)
GREG: Careful, man, she's sleeping.
ALEX: "Be careful..." Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Is the princess sleeping?
Then I'll just, I'll just make sure there's no more potholes
in the roads.
ALEX: Beautiful Moldova!
ALEX: The poorest country in all of Europe.
The average Moldovian believes in vampires,
lives in a tin shed, apparently,
and has an average of four teeth.
You are mean.
ALEX: Moldovanites don't just enjoy record-setting rates
of tuberculosis, they're also the world's heaviest drinkers,
pounding back more than eight gallons of alcohol per year.
That's six times the world's average.
¶ Just drivin' through a shitty town
¶ In a shitty van ¶
You can get in on this if you want.
GREG: Uh, but, what is the Pavlovkan national anthem. Do we have one?
That is the Pavlovkan national anthem. (GREG LAUGHING)
I was just singing it, that's that thing.
GREG: ¶ Everything is brown in Pavlovka ¶
ALEX: Oh, my God, Greg, look, it's your mom.
GREG: You fuckin' asshole. (LAUGHING)
ALEX: Would it be, would it be awkward if I hit on your mom?
ALEX: Here's the local Stalin impersonator.
SARAH: This is like the longest drive ever.
ALEX: I don't even know what to do about this.
I mean, who has the right of way here, me or the horse?
Welcome to the Pavlovka Ritz.
This is it?
KATE: And take care of the fuckin' cockroach in my room.
GREG: Hey, come on, let's do this, man.
This is gonna be fun. KATE: Are you telling him?
VLADIMIR: Yes, yes, yes.
He says, "Step on it yourself" or...
KATE: Step on it? Step on it?
It's bigger than my fucking foot.
ALEX: Kate.
Maintenance man will not be here for hour.
Jesus Christ, where the fuck have you guys been?
Before you freak out, three hour delay in Berlin.
Kate, you've met Wallace's niece.
This says that you're on time, right here on the website.
GREG: And the flight was great, thanks for askin', Kate.
Oh, fuck, the fucking Internet here is fucking retarded.
Kate, Kate, Kate. (SHOUTS) Fuck!
Relax, it's Pavlovka.
The cell phone service is, uh, not so good.
And who is this wonderful woman here?
I have not met you.
Oh, no, hi, my name's Sarah.
I am Vladimir, it's a pleasure. Nice to meet you, Vladimir.
I, uh, have a little, uh, gift for you.
Pick a card, any card.
It's your lucky day! It's Vladimir.
Everybody knows me because
I make your dream house appear like magic.
Thank you. Jesus Christ, whatever.
Just check them in.
GREG: Fancy. Okay, here.
Why are you standing around, dummies?
Go unpack the van.
ALEX: Achtung, achtung, unpack the van.
Fine, do it.
Why are you still filming?
GREG: Memory cards are cheap, I don't wanna miss a shot.
Oh, my God.
ALEX: All right, it breaks down like this.
Greg is camera one.
When sound is not a priority, I am camera two.
Your job is primarily to fetch us
batteries, memory cards, stuff like that.
Keep our walkies refreshed.
Et cetera, et cetera.
Um, when do I get to shoot something?
Do you know how to use a camera?
Yes, I took a lot of film classes in college.
Oh, oh, my God, Greg, she, she took film classes
in college. (STAMMERS) I'm so sorry.
I didn't know we had an expert on the crew,
so when you are not being our fetch monkey,
you can be camera three.
You drop this thing, it is $1,500 out of your paycheck.
Okay.
Okay, it's 2K, waterproof, even shoots night vision.
Night vision? Yeah.
SARAH: For Home Hunters Global?
Bow chicka bow wow.
SARAH: What does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean, Alex?
It means, you know, in case somebody
wants to hook up with the buyers.
Yeah, 'cause they're definitely not gonna wanna
be able to see him when he's hooking up with 'em.
Oh, see, he's very mean. (SARAH LAUGHS)
You thought he was so nice, but he's so mean.
This is why I love him. 'Cause he's a meanie.
Alex loves... He loves my inner asshole. So much!
This is called a boom pole.
It's not to be taken internally. If you catch my drift.
SARAH: Oh, so you guys haven't heard
of sexual harassment then, huh?
What happens in Moldova, stay in Moldova.
Small cameras, um, very versatile.
We use these for window mounts, car mounts, uh,
chest mounts, if you are so inclined.
SARAH: Chest mounts, for hooking up with the buyers?
No, for hooking up with the crew members. (SARAH LAUGHS)
No, this is actually for maybe theoretically recording Kate
when she's screaming at you and hopefully we can get her
fired one of these days. Listen. See if we can figure this out.
SARAH: Are we gonna put it on? Yeah, just kinda hold it over here.
SARAH: Okay, can you see that?
No, I think it's great. Mmm-hmm.
All right, let's get kitted up, all right?
We need to, uh, get some B roll of donkeys,
cobblestone, that sort of thing.
You know how Kate loves donkeys. Yep.
SARAH: Donkeys, really?
What, I don't mean, you know, real donkeys.
SARAH: Okay, sure. I mean, you know,
men who are hung like donkeys. SARAH: Yep, I got it.
That's good, just relax, let the camera be your eyes.
I've done this before.
ALEX: Hmm, yeah, and she's got the student loans to prove it.
GREG: Oh boy, look at this one.
Ah, now you see that really sexy,
healthy looking American couple in the window?
(LAUGHS) Yes. Yeah, don't.
That goes for all crew, all right, especially Kate,
Kate sees herself in a, in a shot,
she'll slit your throat, and that goes for car windshields,
mirrors, I don't know, wishing wells, it doesn't matter.
Nothing ruins the illusion of television
like catching the man behind the curtain.
Or woman. Or, yeah, whatever.
Dude. We're done with this, right?
Can I just get rid of it?
SARAH: Oh, I feel like these houses are looking at me.
GREG: All right, pan down at me.
Come on, film school, that's way too fast.
Anything quicker than an optic foot per second,
people at home are gonna start throwin' up.
Nice and slow, nice and steady.
Nice and...
Fun lady.
Come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer.
Okay, now it's just awkward. (LAUGHS)
Somebody had onions for lunch, obviously.
Back off, back off.
SARAH: Okay. That's it.
All right, now follow.
Here we go. SARAH: I got it.
ALEX: Follow, follow, follow. SARAH: I got it, I'm following.
ALEX: And stop.
(SARAH LAUGHS)
SARAH: Sorry, sir. Alex, she's a pro.
No, man, no, she went to film school.
And God said, "Let there be Doina."
(LAUGHING)
Doina, Doina, I'll give ya Doina.
Baby, you want Doina.
Give you some Doina.
Baby, what you got there, baby?
I got some Doina, baby.
There is not one single Starbucks in this entire town.
How do they live without caffeine?
This is important.
SARAH: Kate is gonna be so mad at us.
No, you have to be in the middle.
To the left of us. Five, six, seven, eight.
Two, and back, back.
Kick, shuffle, shuffle.
Doina.
Do... Is mine upside down? It is. Shit.
Doina!
Oh, shit. (SNICKERING)
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of Moldova.
Your Excellency?
No?
Yeah, so like this is pretty much how we filmed
the Black Hawks in Afghanistan.
It was pretty fucked-up shit.
Greg, you know, you should just maybe, just,
just bend me over now and fuck me.
Yeah, just fuck me like you fucked the Taliban.
Dude, you're in the shot, man.
Ah, you are selling weed.
What a coincidence, because I am buying weed.
Guys!
Yep? ALEX: I'm goin' to, um,
I'm gonna go shoot some stuff in the market.
Okay. Okay.
ALEX: Okay.
Eat a dick.
(BELL TOLLS)
Did you get me in the shot?
SARAH: Oh, sorry.
Listen, let's, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
(BELL TOLLING) (TAPPING SOUND)
Man, this is great.
This is local color. Come on, let's go.
SARAH: Greg, look, it's your mom.
GREG: (LAUGHS) Just keep walking.
(DISTANT CHANTING)
(TAPPING CONTINUES)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
The cameras?
We can't have cameras?
Okay, that's no problem, we'll just, uh,
we'll drop 'em off, that's fine, that's okay.
Yeah.
Sarah.
It's fine, let's just, uh,
let's just turn this off, okay?
SARAH: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Yeah, this is the sort of thing Kate wants.
Okay, that's, that's fine. It's off.
Thank you.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
SARAH: This place is so cool.
GREG: Yeah, look at this.
Look at the fresco on the wall over there.
SARAH: Are... Are they burning her?
Shh.
3:00 on a Wednesday, these people are at church.
That's crazy.
SARAH: What is that painting?
GREG: I don't know.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
GREG: Oh, fuck, it's a funeral.
SARAH: Oh, my gosh, those were kids.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
That's three kids.
Greg, we should... I think we should get outta here.
Greg.
I don't... I don't have a good feeling about this.
Can we just...
(RATTLING)
Greg.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(STATIC HISSES)
KATE: What the fuck are you two fucktards doing?
GREG: Sarah. SARAH: How do I turn the fucking thing off?
GREG: Where the fuck's your walkie?
SARAH: Greg, I don't know, I can't turn this thing off.
I didn't realize... SARAH: Wait!
(SARAH GASPING)
(SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
Greg, watch out!
(SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
Sarah, get over here.
SARAH: Okay.
We're sorry, sir, but those men were...
Sarah, just stop it.
These people are upset
that you have filmed
something which is
very personal.
I have explained to them that
you did not understand.
Which is not true.
You should go now.
Okay, thank you. All right. Come on.
SARAH: Thank you.
(SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
Okay, thanks. Thank you.
Let's go. Walking. Let's go.
Turn around, keep going. Keep going, Sarah, go.
Go, go, go, go. SARAH: Okay.
It's called the biggest donkey.
You take donkeys from villages around county.
They feed the donkeys as much as possible for three months.
At the end of three months, they weigh the donkeys.
The one with the biggest donkey
wins all donkeys.
He's very rich man now.
Yeah, yeah, I will pitch that to Wallace
as soon as I get home.
Yes, you get finder's fee.
Clever idea for reality show.
KATE: Where the fuck have you guys been?
We just accidentally filmed a funeral.
KATE: Jesus Christ.
(VLADIMIR EXCLAIMS)
SARAH: And we almost got beat up.
There was three kids.
Three... These people, they don't believe in immunization.
ALEX: Why didn't you just tell 'em you're Americans?
KATE: 40 hours, guys.
That's when our plane leaves.
We need to be at Becky's getting exteriors.
All right, then let's go, come on.
Enough sittin' around. VLADIMIR: I teach you happy song.
Jesus Christ, fuck!
VLADIMIR: I teach you song on the way.
KATE: Is it about donkeys?
It's happy.
(VLADIMIR VOCALIZES)
Hey, sing with me.
Come, sing.
Why, why are you coming with us?
Because, I, I... In last six months,
Becky and I have become, uh, good friends.
We're very close. I wonder what she's done with this place.
I... You know what I hope,
I hope that she's fixed up the barn.
You remember that barn, Kate?
That was a great barn.
Actually, Greg, come to think of it,
you should take Sarah out to see the barn
'cause she'd like that.
Think she'd probably really like that.
(ALEX BEATBOXING)
She is out in the boonies.
Alex!
Shut the fuck up!
(SIGHS)
(HUMMING)
Jesus.
SARAH: Oh my God.
KATE: Vladimir, is it, like, National Ax Day?
What the fuck is this?
ALEX: Hi, homey.
VLADIMIR: This is, uh, villagers.
They are probably just...
ALEX: What the fuck was that?
They go out, they chop wood.
It's for fireplace.
(ALEX LAUGHING)
Right here.
Oh, wow.
SARAH: Oh my gosh! GREG: Wow.
VLADIMIR: Wow. KATE: Oh, my God.
VLADIMIR: It's beautiful. Easy fix!
SARAH: She really fixed it up.
GREG: Are you sure this is the right house?
(ALEX LAUGHING)
BECKY: I thought you were coming earlier?
KATE: Me, too.
ALEX: Look at this.
Alex, Greg, I'm so happy to see you guys.
ALEX: Amazing. Hi.
Becky.
Holy shit, this is amazing.
BECKY: Thank you. KATE: Hi.
Wow, this is quite a transformation.
Thanks.
VLADIMIR: Becky.
Vladimir, right? Yes. (LAUGHS)
She kids. This is Sarah.
She's, uh, she's new, she just joined us.
Hi. SARAH: Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Your house looks great!
Thank you. KATE: Is Goran here yet?
Um, no, he's actually, um, traveling.
So he's not gonna be here for a few days.
I know he's sorry he missed you guys.
No Goran, that sucks,
'cause he was just a really nice guy.
How does it look, Greg? Do we have enough light to shoot?
No, Kate, I'm sorry, we're not shooting
Ghost Hunters Global.
KATE: That's funny, that's very funny.
Yeah?
Yeah, all right, let's get, uh, back in the van.
No, no, no, you guys came all this way.
Um, just come in for a minute.
I have Starbucks. (SARAH GASPS)
Our viewers love it when a fixer-upper
comes together like this.
Well, I really couldn't have done
any of this without Goran.
He's done so much.
And not just with the house.
I feel like now that we're together, he's, um,
he's helped me become who I was really meant to be.
You know, two years I spent
on a Canadian home renovation show
and they never got anywhere close to this level of work.
You and Goran should be really, really proud.
Well, if you guys like what I've done with the kitchen,
I can't wait to show you the cellar.
Ah, that will have to wait until tomorrow.
It's getting late and we need to get back to town.
Kate, come on. No, you know the roads, let's...
No, well, I just saw you looking at him a little bit.
If you think he's cute, you should go for it.
SARAH: I work with him!
KATE: Sarah, let's go!
I want dinner and bed so we can come back here early.
SARAH: Okay. Will you show me your pottery tomorrow, Becky?
Sure. SARAH: Okay.
KATE: Sarah! I'm coming!
In Moldova, they say if you do not like weather,
you wait 10 minutes.
It's run, sun, snow, all on same day.
You guys, Becky was so nice.
You know, it's a shame you didn't meet Goran
because he's a real people pleaser. GREG: Alex.
KATE: Jesus Christ. SARAH: Oh!
ALEX: Sorry. Oi.
KATE: Watch it, Alex. ALEX: Sorry.
KATE: Great fuckin' day, guys.
Okay, we go to nice restaurant for dinner.
We meet in lobby in 50 minutes.
It's time for shower.
Come.
KATE: I'd say it's time for a shower.
You are overdue.
SARAH: Oh, am I early, Mr. Abernathy?
I thought we had your interview scheduled for 7:30?
Sarah, we still have 30 minutes.
SARAH: Oh, that'll be plenty of time.
I only have a few questions.
GREG: To sleep!
SARAH: You can try to sleep, but I'm not goin' away
until I get my story.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
SARAH: Wow.
Mr. Abernathy, that is quite unexpected.
May I ask you what the circumstances were behind?
Well the, uh, the terms of the settlement agreement
prohibit my mentioning specifics, but, um,
there might have been, uh, an altercation.
SARAH: An altercation?
Between myself and Mr. Torini,
during which Mr. Torini's eye may have become...
SARAH: Wait, wait, wait.
You punched Alex?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my gosh.
(CHUCKLES)
So, Miss Ellroy, viewers are dying to know,
to what do you ascribe your meteoric rise in the film world?
Oh, well, uh, my unique vision
comes from a lifetime of suffering, naturally.
I, uh, I had to fall back on my safety school
when Harvard refused me my private parking space
for my BMW. Oh!
It was terrible! The fools.
Fools!
I don't like to talk about it really, so.
Next topic. Moving on from tragedy.
Moving on. I hear that your
stunning documentary work
has made you the toast of Moldova.
(LAUGHS) Well, as they say, only filmmaker Moldova,
best filmmaker Moldova.
I've heard this about Moldova.
(LAUGHING)
You're staring.
I am, yeah.
You like having the camera on.
I don't wanna miss anything.
Like what?
Um, what is all this news about Goran?
(LAUGHS) Seriously?
(LAUGHS) Yes.
All right, um, okay, you want, uh, come on, I'll show ya.
Okay.
I won't! Not even, not even like one single breath.
If you, if you say one thing to Kate, and you get us fired...
(STAMMERS) I don't even know what I'll do.
I will, I will sell you to Vladimir is what I'll do.
Girl scout's honor.
She's a girl scout on top of everything else.
This is amazing. Now, just remember, you wanted to see this.
Okay. All right?
Okay. Okay.
(FROG CROAKS)
(SPRAYING)
Who's a good guy.
You a good guy?
The little guy.
GREG: Hey, man, have you seen Goran anywhere?
I need him for his interview.
No, I haven't seen him, go ask what's his face.
Disco Dracula.
GREG: Disco Dracula.
Hey, man.
Greg, my good friend.
How can Vladimir be helping?
GREG: Uh, I'm looking for Goran.
Have you seen him anywhere?
I think I see Goran and your producer in barn.
Come, I take you.
So, uh, Alex tells me
you were in Afghanistan.
GREG: He does, huh?
Alex has a big mouth.
The reason I ask is because I have friends
who can get things into Romania.
And if you have friends maybe get things
out of Afghanistan, we can.
We can... (SPEAKS IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
GREG: Vladimir, are you, uh,
are you asking me to smuggle heroin for you?
Is camera on?
I... Vladimir would never suggest such a thing.
GREG: No, man, film's expensive,
I wouldn't just be rolling it like that.
Think about it, it's all I ask, huh?
Oi!
GREG: Hey, Kate.
KATE: Oh, Jesus, Greg, get the fuck out of here!
Get out of here!
GREG: I'm so sorry. KATE: Fuck!
(SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
KATE: Jesus. GREG: Goran, don't.
Hey, what the fuck are you doing, man?
GREG: Nothing. What the fuck is this?
GREG: It's nothing. What?
What's okay, what the fuck is this?
VLADIMIR: The camera is not on.
We were just talking about this, it's not on.
GREG: It's not on, it's fine.
(VLADIMIR SPEAKS IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
GREG: I just need you for an interview. GORAN: Fuck off!
That's the face, that is why I do this.
It is for that face.
Your shock sustains us. What?
It's a beautiful thing. (CHUCKLING)
I can't believe you guys didn't get fired.
We get fired? Why would we get fired?
She's the one got soccer dick up her snooze hole.
What do you think she's gonna tell your Uncle Wallace
back in New York, that I walked in on her
fuckin' the buyer's boyfriend? Come on. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
This is like... This is our, this is our get-out-of-jail-free card.
And we only show it to pretty much everybody we meet, so...
Yeah, only, only pretty much everybody.
What would she have done if Goran
would've been there today? She would have been fine,
she's a total pro.
She just would have been like...
Stop! Goal!
(LAUGHING)
Okay, can you just... Wait, can you come here
and play this, like, last part just one more time.
Why, is it workin' for you? Is this gettin' you hot?
No, there was, can you... There's just, like,
something that's bugging... (KNOCK AT DOOR)
...me a little bit at the end. Yeah?
KATE: Dinner, dummies, let's go.
We're comin'. All right, Kate.
Next time, Sarah provoked. Let's go eat. Uh...
You guys, what am I gonna do with this, like, laptop?
Okay, wait up, guys.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
SARAH: Um. I'm sorry, ma'am, could you... (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
And now go, now go home. Go!
What the frick?
You guys, did you see that old lady upstairs? (LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, finally, I'm starving.
Come on, guys, let's go, she's here.
SARAH: Did you guys not see her?
Hey, Sarah, come on, let's go, we're eating.
SARAH: Greg, that lady that was your mom is upstairs right now.
It doesn't matter, look, come on, we haven't eaten since Berlin.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) Best restaurant in town.
Of course, only restaurant is best restaurant.
Huh, come on. GREG: What's it, what does it mean?
It means the Burning Stake.
GREG: Okay, good enough for me. They're gonna burn my steak.
All right.
SARAH: What?
This is the table. KATE: This is the table.
ALEX: Hi, Buddy.
SARAH: Shit, Greg, those are the guys who were at the church.
Sit down, don't worry. Just don't make eye contact.
Dude, dude, how 'bout takin' those guys on?
Don't make eye contact. They look like cool guys.
KATE: Let's just order some food. Can you get the waitress?
Vodka, vodka, vodka. KATE: Vodka all around.
ALEX: Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka.
All right. Sarah, get in on this.
Becky's tomorrow. SARAH: Yeah, I want one.
Amsterdam for three days and then, God bless us,
back in the States. Hey, to the States.
SARAH: States. Amsterdam. Amsterdam.
Famous Soviet magic trick make vodka disappear.
Watch, focus pocus.
(CHUCKLES) Focus pocus?
(LAUGHING)
It's disappear!
I know that trick, I know that trick. Cheers.
I'm a magician, too.
Two sevens in a row means bad luck for the rest of your life.
Okay, well, two sevens in a row means I get to roll again.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Oh my God, I've had five...
Did we eat dinner yet? SARAH: (CHUCKLES) No.
We haven't eaten? Really? Nothing? SARAH: (CHUCKLES) No.
(ALL CHEERING)
GREG: The pride of Humboldt Country right there.
SARAH: The food's here, the food's here. Finally.
Oh, my gosh, that looks so good.
KATE: Thank you.
And, oh, I think that's yours, Alex.
ALEX: That looks more beautiful than... (SPEAKS IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
What are you talking about? Nothing, I'll tell you when you're older.
Nerdy R and C girls? Ask your father.
Ask your dad... You stop laughing!
You don't even know what's going on!
Eat your goat dick and shut up.
(LAUGHING) And you stop laughing.
ALEX: Okay, I'm rollin', let's hear it.
(EXHALES)
Many years ago,
beautiful woman builds home outside Pavlovka.
She never bother nobody.
But she is stranger.
And these were very cautious times.
So one day, it happens in town.
The cattle get sick.
Children get sick.
People start to die.
Villagers want to know why.
Why is this happening? Who is to blame?
They don't understand germs, these people.
So here you have single woman, beautiful single woman.
She live outside of town.
She never go to church.
And she has black cat.
She must be witch!
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
What happened?
Well, villagers go to her house.
They tie her to stake, they burn her alive. End of story.
Millions times this happens.
They burned her alive? Da.
Yeah, people suck all over, man.
That's just the way it is. That's just the way it is.
I mean, it's no different than what we did in Salem in the 1600s.
Yes, but in Pavlovka, this happens only 100 years ago.
100 years only.
That is awful.
Not really, it's good for business.
ALEX: Oh, shit, the restaurant's called the Burning Stake.
(LAUGHS)
The Burning Stake. The Burning Stake.
(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE)
Nasty, nasty. Nice to know ya.
Nice to know you.
(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE) Nice to know you.
There's no "T" in borscht. ALEX: There is a "T"
VLADIMIR: It's borsch. ALEX: It's at the end of the word "borscht."
SARAH: Everyone in America says it with a "T," Vladimir.
VLADIMIR: You're, you're wrong.
(MAN SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(KATE AND GREG LAUGHING)
ALEX: Shh.
CONSTABLE: The streets are full of drunks.
(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE)
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Do you know your back way to hotel?
We know the back way. I only go back way.
I never go front way. VLADIMIR: Shh. Quiet, you.
(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE)
ALEX: Take me to your back way. Come, come on.
ALEX: I have to piss like a tiger.
It is Friday morning.
We are still in Pavlovka.
And check this out.
She's been standing there for like 20 minutes.
(KNOCKING) (GASPS)
KATE: Sarah, let's go! SARAH: Coming!
Alexi! SARAH: Look who it is.
Let's not, let's just not do that, okay?
CONSTABLE: Hello!
SARAH: Oh, good morning, Constable. Good day.
SARAH: Sorry about yesterday at the church.
Just a misunderstanding between people.
Different cultures.
Maybe I visit today.
SARAH: Uh, I, well, I don't think I'd be the person
to talk to about that, but...
Uh, uh, Constable, hi, I am Kate Banks.
Hi. Uh, this is my crew. (LAUGHS)
Now, I, I know that they can be a little enthusiastic
but I assure you we won't use any of the footage
that we shot in your church.
That would be appreciated.
Now I must ask, will you be finished today?
Yes, absolutely, yes. We would love to spend more time
in your beautiful town, but...
ALEX: Well we'd just love to stay in your beautiful town.
Jesus, Kate.
What the fuck did you want me to say?
The guy had a gun.
(LAUGHS) Kate, you think like native.
Gun always wins.
Okay, okay, all right, shh.
Okay, now just... Daddy doesn't feel good.
KATE: About last night.
It sounds like you guys had so much fun.
I wish I would go in town more.
Hey, are you gonna film absolutely everything?
SARAH: Yeah, it's just something we do.
KATE: So we've got six more hours of good light.
Guys, get set up. Sarah, you're with me, come on.
SARAH: Okie-doke.
KATE: Becky, I think it's great right by that tree. Let's get a close up.
Uh, just be natural.
Right, okay, uh...
SARAH: (LAUGHS) Perfect.
All right, so, uh, to camera. Okay.
Do you have a lot of neighbors close by?
No, my nearest neighbor is about two miles away.
And do you have them over? Do you have dinner parties with them?
I think they think I'm weird.
Like, who would live all the way out here
if they didn't have to?
SARAH: Oh, they don't find country life romantic?
(LAUGHS) Yeah, no, guess not. (SARAH LAUGHS)
I have some ferns, of course, you know.
Um, very hot peppers.
Um, I have, uh, mandrake.
SARAH: Mmm, growin' some aphrodisiacs, huh?
KATE: Okay, we're done. Sarah!
I know that you're Wallace's niece,
but out here I'm your fuckin' boss. I was tryin' to help, Kate.
Sarah, shut the fuck up. ALEX: Oh, come on, Kate.
I know that you just graduated from film school and you think
that you know everything, but you don't.
Okay? You don't.
And the only way that you're going to learn
is by keeping your fucking mouth shut
and watching the professionals do their jobs.
You understand?
Do you understand?
ALEX: Sarah, are you okay?
Just stay out of her way, stick with us for a while,
let her calm down. All right? Okay.
It isn't all bad, I promise.
SARAH: Are you guys sure I'm not in the way?
ALEX: No, you're okay. BECKY: Hey, guys.
GREG: Hey. ALEX: Yo.
Are you filming the cellar now?
Uh, we're not, we're gonna shoot the ground floor
while the light's good, but later, yeah, for sure.
Okay.
GREG: I promise we'll get to it. BECKY: Okay.
Fuckin' cutie patootie. ALEX: Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
SARAH: What, Alex, is she your type?
(LAUGHING)
I wanna get this fireplace but I'm thinkin'
that hot spot off the window, it's not gonna look good.
ALEX: How the fuck did I do this?
Uh, you can just shoot it from where she's standing.
Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah, it looks great from here.
GREG: I need the reflectors.
How's that?
That's better. Becky, in your own time.
And it, it's just, I mean, the whole house smells warm.
The food comes out, like, beautifully just because...
Pump, I don't know if you remember before
but the water was,
you know, kinda came out dripping and kinda green.
And all of this wood here is salvaged wood
so everything is getting a renewed life, you know?
So Goran did so much on the outside here.
The staining, detailing, these slats.
Anyway, um, if you come inside, I can show you some of my work.
Here.
Um, ooh, and this fire I have to tend to constantly.
Placement really matters, you know.
It's not like working with a commercial kiln at all
but it's really cool.
You know, uh, you go back to the old ways, be part of tradition.
And the best part is, um, I made myself something
to remind me of how it was when we first got here.
And here's my little friend.
SARAH: Oh, it's the cat from the first segment.
That is so cute. Jesus fucking Christ.
Go make yourself useful.
And go get me some B roll shots.
All right, shoot some fucking trees, some cows.
Just get the fuck outta my face.
SARAH: I paid $150,000 at film school
to film trees.
We got it, we got the B roll you needed.
We got this big-ass stump.
Want some B roll of some stray dogs?
Here you go.
The barn of passion.
Transformed from a place where animals eat
into a warm and stylish fuck pad.
Fink.
Huh, looks like Becky ran outta steam.
Ah, hello, Senor Frog. (FROG CROAKS)
Whoa.
What the hell is that?
(FROGS CROAKING)
(STATIC HISSES)
ALEX: Who's a good dog?
Who's my good boy?
You wanna be a TV star? SARAH: Alex.
ALEX: I do, Alex. I do wanna be a TV star. Alex.
What's up? Something's wrong with the camera.
ALEX: Oh great, Kate's gonna love that.
Just go show it to Greg. He's inside setting up a shot.
ALEX: Good boy want a Doina? Does a good boy wanna Doina?
What's this? It's a Doina.
Yeah, you don't like Doina?
Uh, Greg, there's something wrong with the camera.
GREG: Let's take a look.
Did you try turning it off and on? Sometimes that works.
SARAH: Yes.
Well, it looks like it's working.
It was totally fritzing out before.
Yeah, well, looks good to me now.
So, uh, what are you doin' later?
I don't know, I got this thing.
Yeah. What?
Bumpy ride, bad food.
Oh, the bumpy ride, bad food thing.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I've got one of those, too.
Yeah.
How 'bout after that?
KATE: Isn't gonna get this done, so here we go.
How hard could this be?
Ah, excuse me, yes, I am Kate Banks,
host and producer of Home Hunters Global.
I know. Oh, I've got more fans.
Okay. (LAUGHS) Oh, you guys are so great.
So, uh, what's your favorite part of the show?
VLADIMIR: Kate. Kate, Becky, she wants
to show us something inside, come, come, come.
KATE: All right.
(VLADIMIR SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
So you guys remember the wine cellar, right? KATE: Right, yeah.
You are not gonna believe what we found
when we started fixing this all up.
KATE: Cases of wine? Yeah. (LAUGHS)
All right, hold on.
Here we go.
Oh, can you grab that light?
(SCREAM)
KATE: What was that? SARAH: What the hell?
That's Alex.
SARAH: Alex!
SARAH: Oh, my gosh!
(GUNSHOT) (DOG WHIMPERS)
SARAH: Oh, my God, Alex, your arm.
Oh shit.
Shit, shit, shit, come on, come on.
KATE: Grab the dog! What we need right now is a blanket.
We don't have a fucking blanket.
Then take off your jacket and put it over his shoulder!
(ALL CLAMORING)
KATE: What kind of hospital is this?
SARAH: Can't believe this is the only doctor in town.
Only doctor in town is best doctor in town.
We should've stayed and finished the shoot.
Really, Kate, with a dead sound tech?
I'd love to see you explain that to Wallace.
Fuck Wallace.
Fuck this. How am I supposed to do a show
with a bunch of fuck-ups?
I need some air.
SARAH: (SIGHS) Greg, is he gonna be okay?
That was a lot of blood.
Yeah, I think Alex is going to be fine, that wasn't...
Wasn't that much blood.
SARAH: So...
Uh, what happened in Afghanistan?
(DOOR OPENING)
Game of badminton, ladies?
GREG: It lives. It does.
SARAH: Are you okay? GREG: Like Lazarus.
Yeah, no, man, it was gnarly.
Let me tell you something, this dude right here
has the best painkillers in the city.
That's my boy. If it's good enough for pigs,
it's good enough for me, right, my man?
GREG: Okay. Put it up here.
Thank you very much for your help. That's right.
Let's go, let's go. That's my boy right there.
Sarah, let's get the fuck out of here.
ALEX: That's my guy.
I tell you, you haven't lived
till you got a brain full of narcotics
and a belly full of hog balls, people. (SNIGGERING)
It's heaven.
Those guys are still staring at us. That's really great.
ALEX: I know, they are big starers in this town.
It's a little village, little people.
Naturally curious, like monkeys.
SARAH: Creepy monkeys.
You know, we could just order them some drinks. Ah!
It's cheap, it's easy, they'd like that. KATE: Great idea.
Greeks, this they like. Good idea. That's not going to...
Vladimir, make that happen.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
GREG: Cheers. (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(VLADIMIR GROANS)
KATE: Okay, someone's getting up.
ALEX: Oh, shit. SARAH: Greg?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
VLADIMIR: Hey, uh, Greg, he only ask
why you filming everything.
Hey, cheers, guys. (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Booze buys happiness, every time. (SNIGGERING) Ah!
(CHANTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
(APPLAUDING)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) Go!
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Vladimir, get some fucking alcohol. Come on, man.
Hey!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey!
Holy fucking kid.
(CLAPPING)
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Okay, Greg, here we go.
(TAPPING) Okay.
Ah!
(SHOUTING AND CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT)
Yeah!
USA, USA, USA!
USA!
SARAH: You, uh, drunk enough
to tell me about Afghanistan?
(MUSIC PLAYING CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SARAH: You ever going to talk to me again?
Ugh. (CHUCKLING)
You're name again is Margarita, right? (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
And you're, Margo what? (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Margarita, that's nice.
What? What is she saying? What's your name again?
Luma? (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Not-ser-ay, that's a nice name, Not-ser-ay.
Not-ser-ay and Margarita. (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
So what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah, I don't like her new haircut.
I don't think it's hot.
SARAH: Your earrings are gorgeous.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
SARAH: Uh, Vladimir, how do I say gorgeous?
(VLADIMIR AND SARAH SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Yeah. SARAH: You're welcome.
Hey, Vlad, how do I say, uh, beer?
(ALL SPEAKING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(INDISTINCT CLAMORING) ALEX: Can I say vodka?
VLADIMIR: Vodka. Vodka, that's like international, man,
everybody knows that. (YELLING) Vodka? Vodka!
WAITRESS: Vodka...
KATE: How do you say "bedroom"?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) (ALL CHEERING)
I don't want this, this isn't for me, this is...
You've got to give it to her.
SARAH: Uh... (GUFFAWS) Vladimir, how do I say "I'm sorry."
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(CHEERING) (INAUDIBLE)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Excuse... Wait, what?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) SARAH: Hmm.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
SARAH: What does that mean?
It means, "I am asshole."
ALEX: Wait, um, how do you say, uh...
(CLICKS TONGUE) "Do you have any diseases that I should be worried about?"
Jesus, how do you say "moron"?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
We got a big ass prost over here!
Dick-wad, how do you say dick-wad?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(ALL CLAMORING)
I can't believe you just went kakanad on me.
I went kakanad. You frigging prost.
KATE: I've got a good one.
How do you say "spoiled brats"?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) (WHOOPING AND APPLAUDING)
(KATE YELLING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
SARAH: That is so mean. How do you say "witch"?
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(SARAH YELLING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(MUSIC AND CHATTERING STOPS)
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
All right, just go, guys. Come on, come on, come on.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
KATE: So stupid. Next time, keep your fucking mouth shut.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say something like that. It just...
It's bar, people get drunk, they fight, it's okay.
KATE: No, it's definitely not okay.
Tomorrow, we finish up at Becky's
and we head straight to the airport.
Kate, we've all been there, okay? Just back off.
KATE: I didn't come to this shithole
to get into a stupid bar fight.
ALEX: Yeah, why did we come to this shithole?
Ugh, Greg, are you still filming?
Turn that fucking thing off.
Bitch.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
No, they've been here since this morning.
You guys didn't hire them or anything?
They're not, I thought, maybe extras or something?
SARAH: Mmm-mmm. Sarah, do me a favor, don't point
the camera directly at them.
SARAH: Okay, sorry.
Kate, call it, please. I mean, should we get in touch
with that constable? What are we doing?
I have no signal. ALEX: Great.
Same. Maybe I should just go talk to them.
I'm sure it'll be fine. ALEX: No.
No, let's just do our jobs and get out of here quickly.
Please? I agree, let's shoot it, let's, uh, go home.
ALEX: Oh, fuck me. We'll be fast, okay?
Fine, fine. KATE: Come on.
We can get this done. Alex, camera.
Let's do it fast and let's get outta here
before they go all Deliverance on our asses.
KATE: Uh, Becky, do you have a paring knife?
Big knives look threatening on camera.
Oh, uh, yeah, of course.
Um...
Perfect.
Jeez. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Let's get a nice shot of these.
Ooh, that's really creepy. Make sure to get that.
And there's a couple of things I wanted in the bedroom.
GREG: Drop your boom, Alex. ALEX: Yeah.
So I really couldn't have done any of this without Goran.
Here we go!
So excited to show you.
GREG: Oh, that's cool.
BECKY: Come on down.
SARAH: I'm sad I didn't get to meet Goran.
BECKY: I know, but his plane doesn't even get in
until tomorrow.
ALEX: Holy crap, Becky. KATE: Oh, my God.
Wow! Becky?
Holy shit. GREG: This is great, did you paint this?
BECKY: No, can you believe anyone ever covered this up?
I sent pictures to a friend of mine in Venice
and he dated the floor to the time of the Roman Empire.
GREG: Wow. BECKY: A national treasure in my basement.
KATE: Oh, it's beautiful. GREG: I want to get it from over here.
And what about this wine-stomping vat, holy shit.
BECKY: Oh, I just use that to, uh, store paint thinner
and stuff, you know, the smell.
Oh, but here's the best part
and I wanted to show you guys all at once.
Ta-da! ALL: Wow!
ALEX: Oh, my God. KATE: Crazy.
ALEX: Vladimir's story about the witch.
VLADIMIR: You, uh, are very good painter, Becky.
BECKY: Oh, no. I didn't paint this, it was here.
They've been using torches down here for 100 years
so it was covered under all this soot and smoke.
KATE: Uh, Greg, our flight leaves in seven hours.
You want to go get all your gear and get set up down here?
GREG: Yeah, yeah, okay, I got it.
BECKY: There's more on this wall.
I was hoping to finish it before you guys got here
and I ran out of time.
KATE: This is an amazing find, Becky, great work.
Thank you, I'm really proud of it.
ALEX: I don't know if I'd wanna sleep
with this in my basement.
This is kind of creepy, don't you think?
BECKY: Oh, no. I'm not superstitious, it's not scary.
It's just history.
KATE: You know, I have some friends at the Learning Network.
They might build an hour-long special from this.
I mean, they'd pay you of course, Becky.
It will also make great tourist attraction.
Uh, bed and breakfast.
People from Netherlands eat this up with spoon.
Uh, you could get rich.
BECKY: (LAUGHS) I'm not interested in money.
I just want
everybody to experience it, every bit of it.
You know, it's funny, I moved here to be an artist,
and here I find I'm not the first.
Like I'm part of a tradition.
In a weird way, it just makes me feel connected.
GREG: Hey, guys, guys!
What the fuck?
Wow, so does this mean we're not getting
our rental deposit back?
How could they have done this with us right inside?
GREG: Guys, I think we need to call the cops.
ALEX: How are we gonna call the cops, dude?
We don't have any cell phone signal.
VLADIMIR: There's not enough people out here for tower.
Oh, God, Jesus. Becky, can we use your phone?
BECKY: Um, I, I don't have a landline.
KATE: Great.
Can you give us a ride to the airport?
Sorry, I only have my bike.
Well, so we're fucking stuck here.
Should we call a cab or...
Yeah, that's great, Sarah.
Why don't you walk into town,
go hail one, and bring it back.
Well, good luck with that, because whoever did this
is still out there.
Oh, God, if they wanted to start something with us,
they would've. We were 10 feet away.
This is passive aggressive bullshit.
I don't know, Kate, it doesn't look too passive to me.
Yeah, well who's fault is that?
I told you all to keep a low profile in town.
GREG: Kate, how are we supposed to do that?
We're carrying cameras around.
Start by not filming funerals, Greg.
ALEX: Wear it live, sister.
GREG: Hey, you know what, at least I didn't get their dog shot, right?
And this one, yelling "witch" in the middle of a bar
full of psycho Euro-hicks.
Way to win over the locals, Sarah.
Well maybe I should just fuck them instead!
You little bitch!
GREG: Hey, hey, hey, Sarah!
VLADIMIR: Don't fight, don't fight, stop.
ALEX: No, no, no, no, guys.
VLADIMIR: Stop!
I go, I go to town.
Everyone loves Vladimir.
It will take me a while, but I will get help.
ALEX: Are you serious, you wanna go out there?
Only volunteer is best volunteer.
There's just a few things in here.
In case you need 'em.
Thank you. KATE: Vladimir, this is for the car.
I bring back change.
ALEX: Dude, I want you to have that
in case of emergencies.
KATE: Wow.
(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE)
GREG: Later, brother.
Bye.
Oh. KATE: The fuck?
My heart attack! (GROANS)
No, kidding, just kidding!
I kid, I be okay, don't worry. (VOCALIZES)
Tension relief, fail.
(GREG CHUCKLES)
So it kinda looks like rain.
Anybody want some coffee?
Yes, please.
KATE: Yeah, that would be great.
BECKY: I'll make it. SARAH: All in.
ALEX: All right, let's dance, lady. I call. What you got?
SARAH: Two pairs, number eight. ALEX: You bitch.
Good hand.
Not as good as five Vladimirs though.
Yeah, sorry.
SARAH: Have you been playing with those cards the entire time?
ALEX: Read 'em and weep.
KATE: Wallace is gonna hit the roof over this.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
This is one of my... See, I love this guy, he's great.
Uh, you know, this is...
I lost my virginity to that guy.
What does that mean, "Assuming the bridge is okay"?
Um, well, last spring there was, uh...
It washed out a little bit.
But I think it'll be okay. It washed out?
Oh, shit, I mean it's not raining that hard right now, is it?
No, it'll be okay.
Are you laughing at me?
Did that sound kind of panicked when I said that?
I meant that to be more of, like, a masculine kind of, like,
"It's not raining."
You, uh, do this at home? You have a lady at home waiting
for you to cook for her?
If I had a lady at home
doing this for me,
I'd have no idea how to do this.
(LAUGHING)
No, I mean, you know, I wanna direct my own stuff, I think.
It'd be nice, not that it's not super fun working for Kate.
Who's just really the nicest lady you ever wanna meet.
(WHISPERS) She's a bitch.
That's terrible.
(LAUGHS) She's a bitch.
Not that I don't like it here.
It's just that I don't like it here.
(LAUGHING)
I think we can add those peppers now, you ready?
ALEX: Dude, you're gonna, like, pay $10,000
to get one from a scalper? GREG: No, you just get online.
SARAH: No, I'll get you guys tickers.
ALEX: What is, what was that? You'll get us tickets? Mmm-hmm.
You mean Uncle Wallace will get us tickets?
That's very nice of him.
I should write him a thank-you note.
BECKY: Kate, are you not gonna eat your food?
BECKY: Pretty cool. Like this?
Yeah, but don't try to hold it steady.
It's just gonna make you shake it more.
Yeah, listen to her, she went to film school.
GREG: And they taught her well.
You taped it, didn't you?
GREG: What are you talkin' about?
You know what I'm talking about.
You taped it, you lied.
You said the camera was off.
Which one of you showed her? GREG: Kate.
KATE: Alex.
GREG: All right. You know what, Kate, don't do this,
not now, okay, not in front of Becky.
BECKY: Um, maybe I should just go.
No, Becky, Kate's done.
This is your house.
You don't have to go anywhere.
Listen, we'll have all had a rough day.
Let's try to keep it together.
Vladimir's been gone, what, two hours?
He's caught a ride into town, he's gonna be back.
Really, yeah, when? Soon.
Becky, why don't I teach you how to pull focus?
BECKY: Oh, okay.
SARAH: Put your fingers like this right here.
I begged Wallace not to make me come back here with you.
Manganese granular. You just put it in the glaze
and then it comes out like this.
ALEX: The rain's definitely letting up. We should get outta here soon.
GREG: That suits me.
It's getting stuffy in here.
SARAH: Becky, those are really beautiful.
Thanks, I have a lot more. You wanna see them? They're in the kiln hut.
SARAH: Yeah, absolutely. Let me grab a battery.
There's this really cool crafts fair in Chisinau.
Once a month, I go there and I sell my pots.
SARAH: Yeah? Do you make a lot of money like that?
Uh, well, not really because you kinda
have to be there a long time, but I do sell some and it's pretty great.
Oh, my God.
SARAH: What? Oh, my God.
(GAGGING)
SARAH: Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
(CHOKING)
SARAH: Are you okay?
GREG: We're filming everything from now on.
We can't let these people get away with this.
It's fucked up.
We shouldn't have come back here.
KATE: What the fuck? Oh, my God! (GASPS)
SARAH: Oh, my God.
ALEX: Oh, Jesus Christ. KATE: What the fuck is that?
(FROG CROAKS) (ALL SCREAMING)
KATE: Will somebody please explain to these assholes
that we are Americans?
GREG: Becky, help me. BECKY: All right, I'm gonna close the bedroom.
GREG: I need the goddamn hammer.
Kate, give me a hand already! Come on!
I'll get the hammer.
GREG: Go, go, go, go, go, that's good, that's good.
KATE: Okay, is there anything else you guys can think of
that we can do to, like, trap ourselves in here?
Look, I would rather be in here than out there, all right?
GREG: We're safe. Safe? If they want us,
they're gonna come in here and get us.
Nobody's getting in here, Kate, don't worry.
And if they can't come in, they're just gonna
fucking burn this place down.
We need to head out to the woods.
The woods? Yes.
Kate, we don't, we don't have any gear.
We don't even have a compass. Where the hell are we gonna go?
Anywhere but here.
Jesus Christ.
Becky, Goran, you said Goran's coming in tomorrow morning.
What time does his flight land?
What?
Goran. His flight, when does he land?
Um, 8:00 a.m. He said he was coming straight here.
Okay, 8:00 a.m., okay, right?
It's a two-hour flight, Kate. ALEX: Yeah.
He's in his car by 9:00, he's here by 11:00,
noon at the latest. All right, assuming that he didn't miss his flight.
SARAH: I'm sure he didn't miss his flight.
Or the bridge isn't out. GREG: Jesus Christ.
Or those fucking maniacs out there
didn't cut him up the way they fucking cut up Vladimir!
GREG: Enough!
(SOBS) I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, that's fuckin' great, Kate, that's fuckin' awesome.
Guys, listen, here's the plan. We're gonna stay here tonight, we're gonna wait for Goran,
and we're gonna drive outta here in the morning.
You don't give orders, Greg.
This is my production.
SARAH: We're not making a show anymore, Kate.
And yet you're still filming.
That's because we film everything from here on out.
Everything.
None of you ever liked me.
(SCOFFS)
Do you know how many times I covered for you guys?
You've all been laughing at me this whole time.
SARAH: Sun's going down.
Shit!
(SHELVES RATTLE)
Just makin' sure.
We need to get some sleep.
Yeah, that's great, who the fuck can sleep?
All right, great, man, you take the first watch.
Ladies. You can take this room.
Okay, thanks, Becky. Listen, Sarah.
I want you to keep that camera rolling
and then change the batteries, all right?
Thank you.
And, um, Sarah, if you're okay with doubling up,
you can share this room with me, okay?
See anything?
SARAH: No.
Have you had a lot of problems
with these people before?
Well, I don't speak the language yet.
But, um, I've gotten some hard stares at the market.
Single woman and all, living this far out of town.
You know.
And I don't go to church.
So I haven't gone out of my way to
become part of their community.
But this is...
I'm really gonna miss this house.
(SARAH GASPS)
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what was that?
Oh, my God.
(SARAH GASPS)
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
(FROG CROAKS)
Oh, my God.
Yo.
What are you doin' up?
SARAH: Can't sleep.
Yeah, I know, tell me about it.
Kate went to sleep, like, 10 minutes after you guys left,
stuck me with all this fuckin' guard duty.
SARAH: Well, Greg and I are gonna
take over in an hour or so.
Mmm, that's great, then I can go
and not sleep in there.
SARAH: Listen, Goran's gonna be here in the morning.
All we have to do is last through the night.
Yeah, I mean, that's assuming he shows up in that SUV
and doesn't ride in here on a fuckin' Vespa or something.
Look, I know Kate is being a bitch
but this plan really does have a lot of holes in it.
You know, what if he does miss his plane?
What if the bridge is washed out?
What if he doesn't get here?
And you know what? If he does get here,
how do we know we can even trust this fuckin' guy?
He's one of them, right?
SARAH: Vladimir was one of them.
I don't know.
SARAH: Greg. (GREG SCREAMS)
What the fuck, get off me!
Get the fuck off me! SARAH: Greg, it's me,
it's Sarah, it's me, it's Sarah.
It's Sarah, it's Sarah. ALEX: You guys all right?
SARAH: Yeah, it's okay, we're fine.
ALEX: Then stop freakin' me out!
(GREG PANTING)
SARAH: Greg.
We were shooting
at an all-girl's school
to...
I don't know.
To show how things were changing over there.
And we were... Finished the shot, we were leaving,
we were walking through the door
and these two local Taliban showed up.
And this is the south, I mean,
this isn't hardcore Swat Valley Taliban.
These were just local police.
You know, guys like this, they just...
They just come in and they
break some windows.
And they flip some tables.
And they burn books and then they lecture the women,
and then they fuck off.
But this time it was different.
Because this time they see me.
And they see my camera.
And the chance to make a splash.
To make the news in America.
(WEAKLY) So they take this little girl...
She may be 10 years old.
She'd just learned to read and write.
She was learning English. I mean, fuck,
the future of the country.
And they pulled out this big knife.
They made me film it.
(SNIFFLES)
SARAH: Greg, there was nothing you could've done.
They had machine guns, there's not... (SNIFFLING)
You couldn't have done anything to stop them.
I didn't even try! I didn't even try!
I didn't even try.
(GREG SOBBING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hey.
What is it?
Nothing.
All right, come on, let's go.
SARAH: What is that, a pipe?
Hey, wake up. What?
GREG: What the hell were you thinking?
What, I'm sorry, I was trying to take the edge off.
GREG: Dude, why the fuck would you want no edge?
SARAH: You guys, where's Kate? I don't know.
Oh, shit.
GREG: Becky, get up, we got trouble. SARAH: Becky, Kate's missing.
BECKY: She's not in the cellar. Shit!
Way to go, Alex. What do you want me to say, dude?
I'm sorry, okay.
Why would she sneak off without us?
'Cause Kate looks out for number one, that's why.
Exactly. Even if I was awake,
what am I gonna do, talk Kate from going out the fucking door?
SARAH: Shh.
WOMAN: (CRYING) Help me.
(SARAH GASPS)
SARAH: We have to do something.
(CRYING) Help me.
(CRYING) Help...
SARAH: We can't just stand here, you guys!
I'm going.
(STAMMERS) Don't, don't go out there.
They're trying to lure us out there, it's a trap.
I swear to God, Greg, please.
He's right, he's right, you can't do it alone. ALEX: Thank you.
Okay, we'll all go out together.
What the fuck! Why, why?
Kate wouldn't do it for us.
What? She wouldn't.
You guys good? Yeah, yeah.
All right, come on.
ALEX: Aw, fuck me, man.
GREG: Watch yourself. ALEX: I can't, I...
(GREG SHUSHING)
BECKY: Shit, hold still.
GREG: Don't fucking wave that poker in my face.
If you poke me in the eyes...
(CLATTERING) SARAH: Um, sorry, sorry, sorry.
GREG: Becky. BECKY: Okay, I know.
GREG: Shh. Sarah, what do you see?
GREG: I can't see anything, Sarah, can you see anything?
(WOMAN MOANING)
GREG: I hear something, Sarah.
Sarah. ALEX: I can't see
my fucking hand in front of my face.
GREG: Alex, shut the fuck up.
There's people out here, come on.
(WOMAN MOANING)
ALEX: I heard something. God, God.
(CRYING) Help me.
Oh, my God. GREG: Shh. I can hear her.
BECKY: Oh, my God.
GREG: I can hear her, guys, come on, come on.
Guys, stay low.
BECKY: Wait, wait, wait. SARAH: Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
(WOMAN MOANING)
GREG: Sarah, can you see anything?
GREG: Stop. Stop. BECKY: Oh, my God.
No. Shh, listen.
(WOMAN WHIMPERING) Oh, my God.
GREG: I can hear her, I can hear her.
Alex, Alex. ALEX: Kate?
BECKY: I heard her.
ALEX: Kate? GREG: Kate?
BECKY: No, I can't hear it. GREG: Sarah, what do you see?
SARAH: I can't see. GREG: Sarah, what do you see?
SARAH: What do I... I think it's the trees.
ALEX: I think we're at the barn.
SARAH: Oh, my God! (ALL CLAMORING)
BECKY: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! (ALL SCREAMING)
ALEX: She's dead, I'm going back to the house!
SARAH: Alex! GREG: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, just wait.
Wait, there's nothing we can do for her.
(SARAH WEEPING) (FROGS CROAKING)
GREG: They're still out here.
(SARAH GASPS) GREG: Sarah.
Sarah, come on.
SARAH: Greg. GREG: Guys, let's get the fuck out of here.
Becky.
(GASPS) Let's get back inside.
(SARAH WEEPS)
Sarah, come on.
Yeah, go check the bedrooms, go, come on!
SARAH: Greg, can I talk to you for a second?
Sarah, go! Just go fucking help Alex!
No, I have to tell you something! Quit fucking around, come on!
SARAH: God damn it!
Alex, Alex, Alex. This is some fucking bullshit.
SARAH: Goran's car's in the barn. ALEX: What?
SARAH: Goran's car is in the barn right now.
Goran's here? SARAH: No, his car is in the barn
and it's covered in dust. What are you saying?
SARAH: Oh, my God, the barn.
Holy shit, where's your laptop?
What the fuck are you talking about? Give me your laptop.
Come on, where the fuck is it?
(MAN SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Come on, come on. What? What's okay, what the fuck is this?
VLADIMIR: The camera is not on.
We were just talking about this.
It's not on.
SARAH: (SOFTLY) There.
ALEX: What is that?
Oh, shit. (SNIFFLING)
Oh, shit. What are we going to do?
She's right the fuck out there.
Okay, okay, okay.
So she's a fucking psychopath.
She saw it, she killed Goran, she killed Kate.
Why the fuck did she kill Vladimir? I don't know!
(GASPS) Because he saw.
BOTH: Greg.
Oh, shit, Greg, Greg, Greg, shit.
What?
(GLASS SHATTERING) Hurry, come on, let's go!
Come on, come on! (ALL CLAMORING)
No, no, no, I can't go down there with her.
Will you listen to me for once in your life?
I'm not gonna stand around debating this with you.
Go downstairs now! (CRASHING)
ALEX: Jesus!
SARAH: Oh, my God, Greg!
Oh, my God!
Jesus fucking Christ, don't touch me.
Get the fuck away from me. SARAH: Greg, Greg.
Oh, my God, I don't know what to do.
Don't touch it, don't touch it,
don't touch me, don't touch me! (SHUSHING)
Greg! (CRASHING AND SHATTERING)
(SHUSHING)
(CRASHING AND THUDDING)
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
(CRASHING AND THUMPING)
(BECKY GASPS)
(CRASHING)
(THUMPING) GREG: Alex, breathe, just breathe.
SARAH: Alex.
(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)
(PANTING) (THUDS)
SARAH: Alex.
(GASPING) Sarah.
SARAH: Alex. (SOBBING)
ALEX: Sarah. SARAH: I'm right here.
ALEX: Sarah.
SARAH: Help.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SARAH: Greg, I have to tell you something.
I keep this down here in case of emergencies.
GREG: It's 3:00. We've got eight hours until Goran shows up.
We got to take that out of you. SARAH: Greg.
No, we're not taking this thing out!
GREG: We're gonna bandage it up, I've done this before.
Trust me, come on.
(GRUNTING) SARAH: Greg, I have to tell you something.
Here, take this. ALEX: Greg.
Put this in your mouth, bite down on it. (MOANING)
Bite down on it, just fucking put it in your mouth.
I've got you down.
I've got his arm.
(MUFFLED PROTESTS) BECKY: Don't scream.
Take it out. (WAILING)
Okay, one, two, three, that's it!
That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it.
Can you deal with this?
Bite down, bite down if you have to. (MUFFLED SCREAMS)
All right, you done screaming?
Done screaming?
Fuck you. That's it.
Yeah, fuck me.
(ALEX PANTING) BECKY: Okay, okay.
GREG: You got it, you got it, you got it.
ALEX: (SHIVERING) Fuck.
GREG: You got it.
SARAH: What the heck?
ALEX: Oh, fuck.
BECKY: It's okay. Shh.
Alex, Alex, it's gonna be okay.
Trust me.
SARAH: What is that?
(SARAH GASPS)
Oh, my...
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my gosh.
(SARAH PANTING)
Do you like it?
GREG: What the hell's going on?
SARAH: Greg, she's crazy, she killed Goran.
And she killed Kate.
And she killed Vladimir.
GREG: Sarah, what the hell are you talkin' about?
She saw them together in the barn.
His car is in the barn!
All right, just... Just calm down.
I'm not gonna fucking calm down, look at this mural
right now, that's us!
That is us!
She planned this whole entire thing.
No.
SARAH: She painted about it!
I didn't paint that.
That was always here.
I was always here.
GREG: What? I was just waiting for Becky.
For you.
GREG: Becky, what are you talkin' about?
ALEX: Dude,
she is fucking psychotic, okay?
Listen to me, she thinks she's a witch
and those hicks up there do, too.
All right, just back the fuck off, all right?
SARAH: They're not here to kill us. They're here to kill her.
(SOBBING) We're just in the way.
No.
I want you here.
To record what happens.
Like in the mural.
Let's start with a close-up.
GREG: Becky, what?
(SARAH WHIMPERING)
GREG: Becky, Becky... Let go of Sarah, Becky.
SARAH: (SOBBING) Oh, my God! GREG: Oh, Jesus Christ.
SARAH: It's Goran!
GREG: Oh, Jesus Christ.
No, Becky, Becky, what are you doin'?
(SARAH GAGS) GREG: Okay.
(SARAH SOBS)
ALEX: Oh, God.
GREG: Becky, listen to me, it's Greg, Becky.
Becky, just put that down. You don't have to do that.
All right, let's just talk.
Becky.
ALEX: Greg.
SARAH: Greg. ALEX: Greg!
(GRUNTS)
SARAH: Greg!
(GRUNTING)
Alex, get outta here! Go, now!
(GROANING)
SARAH: Greg!
(STATIC HISSES)
(METAL CLANKING)
Sarah, we've gotta fuckin' go! (SARAH SOBBING)
(CLATTERING)
(SARAH SCREAMS) (GUN FIRES)
(SARAH SCREAMS)
(ALEX SIGHS)
ALEX: Shit, give me the camera, give it to me.
Sarah, Sarah, go, go, run!
(FROGS CROAKING)
Ow, shit.
ALEX: We gotta go. Just go, go!
(SARAH SCREAMS)
ALEX: Just go, go, go!
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
Come on, come on, Sarah, come on.
This way, this way.
SARAH: Help us! ALEX: Wait, Sarah!
(SARAH GRUNTS)
ALEX: Oh, fuck!
Sarah!
(ALEX PANTING)
No, no, no, no, wait, wait!
Fuck!
(GUN FIRES) (GROANS)
(GUN COCKS)
(GROANING)
(MAN SCREAMS)
(ALEX PANTING)
What the fuck?
(GRUNTS)
(HOWLING)
(ALEX GASPING)
(ALEX PANTING)
(VILLAGERS SHOUTING) ALEX: Oh, fuck me.
Oh, fuck me!
Fuck me!
(SHOUTING) Fuck me!
(VILLAGERS SHOUTING)
No, no...
Shit!
Fuck!
(ALEX GASPS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Oh, shit!
(ALEX SOBBING)
Shit, shit, shit.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(ALEX GASPING)
(GROANS)
(ALEX GASPS)
(CRYING)
(GUN FIRES)
(SCREAMING)
(ALEX PANTING)
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(METAL CLANKS)
ALEX: Jesus!
Great, great!
(WAILING)
(WOMAN SCFREAMING)
(SHOUTING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)
(ALEX GASPING)
Oh, shit, shit! (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Wait, wait. No, no, no, wait.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
No, my, my shoes? I'm not even American.
I'm Canadian. I'm a Canadian.
Good Canadian shoes?
Oh, no, no, no, no! (BLUDGEONING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Okay, okay, okay, okay, it's okay.
You want me to film it. Okay, okay, I'll film it.
Okay.
(WAILING)
(ALEX PANTING)
Shit.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe she actually drank that shit.
Oh, shit.
(WOMAN SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
ALEX: Oh, my God, that's not a good idea.
That is not a good idea.
Oh, shit.
(SCREAMING)
ALEX: What did I say?
Oh, God.
Oh, shit!
Shit.
I used to have a painter.
Now I have a director.
Unless...
You don't want to be my director?
ALEX: Oh, no, shit, that's cool.
I mean, who doesn't wanna direct?
Good.
Show everyone.
(FROGS CROAKING)
(PANTING)
How the fuck am I gonna explain this to Wallace?
(CONTINUES PANTING)
(EAST EUROPEAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)